The difficult 8th blog entry. Full of smut, filth, and fat chicks.

A phenomenon not really known in the blogging world, or any world at all for that matter. However I am providing an update because if I don't, I'll just keep on forgetting. And people will spit at me for not doing so.

So what have I done since the last update?? Naff all. I have finally reached the point where this life is normal once more. I get up, I go to work, if I get the chance I ski or board during the afternoon before going back to work once again in the evening. I ski or board on days off. I go out after work drinking.
I have not yet taken full advantage of the fact that drinking AT work is not frowned upon, as long as it is from a receptacle that doesn't make it obvious that you are getting smashed while dealing with the general public. Which in most cases is the only way to make them bearable. I am sure I have probably been the same in the past, but it seems most of these people must sit in the taxi on the way to the airport going through what they may have forgotten.
"Passport - got it. Tickets - yup, in my pocket. Luggage - definitely, it's in the boot. Did I cancel the papers? Yes, I did that yesterday. Leave a light on?? No, I left the house while it was dark, I would have noticed. Why do I get the feeling I've forgotten something? Oh, that'll be it. I've left my common bastard sense at home".
Rentals are pretty generic. You can spend all day trying them on and asking me stupid questions about boots that cater for a more narrow foot. All I am going to do is take that one from you, go back to the rack and bring you back exactly the same boot in a different colour and ask you if that feels better. And when you reply that it does, I will openly mock you for being a mong. Then you can try on all the clothes that you want, if you can't get a medium sized pair of pants over your cankles, the next size up might just stretch up to your knees but no further. Stop trying to convince yourself that you have been good this year and accept that you are looking at at least 2 X's before the L, lardy.

In other, slightly more interesting news, I survived an earthquake. A pretty big one by all accounts. I have heard it was 7.8 on the Richter scale, or 6.8, or something impressive with a decimal place somewhere. I have no idea if this is a cool sized earthquake to survive, but considering the only tremors I normally experience are caused by me farting in bed, it was a smidgen bigger.
To be honest, I was out drinking at the time. I was in a first floor bar, talking to a very hot young lady. At first I had no idea what was happening and paid no attention to it. I grew up and drank in Redhill when I was younger, these kind of quakes were a common occurrence when six drunk fat chicks all got on the dance floor at the same time.
Anyhow, the floor began to shake, the speakers and screens on the walls starting vibrating and threatening to fall off, it all became a bit surreal. People started flocking to the near-floor to ceiling windows to look out at the street below.
As I just said, I grew up in Redhill, these things don't EVER happen there. I do still know however, that in an earthquake it is wise to stay away from massive planes of glass. Something to do with shaking, shattering, shards and arteries I think. A fact that passed a lot of idiots in the bar by. I came so close that night to witnessing natural selection in action.
It also afforded me the opportunity to pull out a line cheesier than any Swayze came out with in the atrocity that is Dirty Dancing. Something about the earth moving just from talking to me. Despite this, the night still went well.

Ending on a shit-splinteringly boring note, I am finally warm at night. Previously I have mentioned how cold my room has been, and that it has been hard sleeping (stop it).
I also mentioned the pointless heater I bought which warmed up about a square inch just above it. I bit the bullet just after and bought an electric blanket.
I fucking love electricity. Sorry mum, but I do. It's amazing, one of the best discoveries ever. Without it, so many things in life would be that much more difficult. I use my mobile phone to wake me up. I use lights in the morning darkness to find out which of the clothes on my floor are the cleanest (again, sorry mum). I shower in hot water thanks to the leccy. I don't have an electric toothbrush, but I should because I have taken laziness to previously unheard of levels. The bus on the way into work, my iPod on the bus, the heaters keeping me warm at work, the coaches taking me up the hill, the chair lifts I ride, hell - I wouldn't be sharing this pony with you if it wasn't for electricity. I could go on all night but I won't as I think you get the message.
Which is that electricity is the nuts.
As much as I love it though, sleeping on it? No thanks. It has so much potential to go wrong. The name itself - electric blanket - sounds like something you would get for first degree murder in the States.
Electric blankets to me are very much like fat chicks. They are great for keeping the bed warm, but you know having one turned on in your bed all night is a bad idea. I am happy to use it to warm the bed up (blanket - not fat chick), but I go to great lengths to unplug it because the last thing I need in the morning is to wake up fused to the bed springs, you know the day can only go downhill from there.
So what is the amazing invention that has enabled me to sleep naked as the day I was born in complete comfort once again?? Two duvets.
All that love for electricity, and it just took a second synthetic stuffed blanket to solve the problem.
Sometimes my slowness surprises even myself.

A little bit at the bottom: I am fully aware that I have mentioned fat chicks a multitude of times during this passage (and also that I just sniggered out loud for using "fat chicks" and "passage" in the same sentence). This will not need pointing out, but I will make it clear that this is in no way an indication that I am thinking about fat chicks a lot, or that I need, or want a fat chick. Despite how grateful they always are.