But what I don't understand is why, out of all the meats in the world, they choose to eat one of the blandest, most boring ones? What's wrong with having a bit of blood to dip your chips into? No one can resist the smell of bacon. So instead of having bacon flavoured rashers of tofu, or whatever rubber concoction you eat instead, just have bacon. You're only going to comment on how good it smells when I cook it, so goddamn well eat it. If I were to ever be a proper grown-up (unlikely), and hold a sophisticated dinner party, the only dietary requirements I would take into account would be 'I'm afraid I only eat raw beef', or 'Sorry, I'm vegetarian - however I will eat monkey'.
Being a carnivore is no easy ride though. There are so many delicious, cute, fluffy little animals out there just waiting to be chewed up, swallowed, digested and flushed that I am always faced with the dilemma; lamb or beef? Pork or chicken? Venison or sloth? Well now there is no need to have to make these critical culinary decisions for I have created the perfect solution.
Of course, I have been up to much more over the past few months that I haven't updated you with, but I really can't be bothered just yet. Look, up there ^, I have lots of faeces shaped meat to eat, so I will do it soon, I promise.
In the meantime, I can only see two possible outcomes. Either my guts are going to be fully backed up for the next month, or I am going to spend a full week squirting dirty water out of my bum-piece.
I'll let you know.