Get 'em while they're 'ot, they're lovely.

The Lakes Weekly Bulletin is your bog standard local free ads paper. As long as you are privately selling, or just want to send a coded message to someone to let them know they can go ahead with the hit on your philandering spouse, and have a less than basic grasp of the concept of literacy, you can advertise anything for nothing.

I recently found myself with an excess of passport photos. Smith City knackered up the ones I asked them to do for the princely sum of $10, and the pro camera shop I went to charged me $25 for 8. Who in Gods name needs 8 passport photos at any one time? I have just renewed my passport, which meant I needed 2 passport photos for the first time in ten years. I will not need 2 more until I have to renew it once again in another ten years. By this rate I won't need to purchase any more until 2050, by which time I will either look nothing like the photos, or just be dead.

Anyhow, I decided to try and get rid of them. This is the ad, and some of the responses i got from it. Some raised a chuckle, some I replied to, some quite frankly scared me. My replies in red. And thanks to Joe Pasquale for the gag I shamelessly ripped off him.

+64xxxxxx594

19-01-2010 14:07

How are you looking for them photos

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 14:22

Plenty left. They were proving quite popular so I had some more taken. 2 dollars each.

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+64xxxxxx798

19-01-2010 15:35

Hi. How much for the passport photos and what colour hair have you got - need to know if u look like me.

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 15:44

Hi. 2 dollars each. I have brown hair, but I also have a variety of different coloured crayons if the hair colour doesn't match yours.

+64xxxxxx798

19-01-2010 15:50

Sounds great but sadly don't reckon yellow over brown will make blonde. Best of luck though, i have a few mates with brown hair so i'll ask around for you :)

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+64xxxxxx627

19-01-2010 16:27

Hello, i ve lost my passport and need a new one! I would like to use your fotos! How much is one foto? Cheers judith

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 16:44

One would be 2 dollars, but you would need two for a passport. I would also suggest you cut your hair short and grow a beard.

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+64xxxxxx738

19-01-2010 17:40

Hello, my name is Phil, I work full time in Queenstown. I do need passport photos and was wondering if we could schedule a time to meet about it.

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 18:10

Hi Phil. They are 2 dollars each. If you let me know where you work I can just drop them in to you? They are already cut down to passport size.

+64xxxxxx738

19-01-2010 18:11

I'd like to see them first if that's okay

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 18:25

Of course. I have some of me with a light blue background, and some of me with a white background. Which would you rather buy?

+64xxxxxx738

19-01-2010 18:26

I don't know, which colour accentuates your eyes better?

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 18:31

The white background brings out the jaundiced yellowness and the bloodshot veins.

+64xxxxxx738

19-01-2010 18:33

I'm afraid that the blue might be a bit too fancy for me though. Maybe you can scan them both and send the samples to my email account?

+64xxxxxx738

19-01-2010 18:35

Nevermind, I'll just buy one of each.

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+64xxxxxx975

19-01-2010 20:40

I'd love one of your passport pics for my own purposes. are you hot and male of english mother tongue?

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 21:58

My tongue is English. My nose however is Iranian, my ears are Russian and I have German hair. Please, leave my mother out of this.

+64xxxxxx975

19-01-2010 22:11

What a mongrel! your mum must have got about a bit to have produced such a mixture.

+64xxxxxx922

20-01-2010 11:00

Coming from the girl desperate enough to trawl through a local rag looking for photos of guys for sexual gratification?

+64xxxxxx975

20-01-2010 12:23

I know. it's a tough life being a creepy wierdo looking for people to stalk. but what's a girl to do?

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+64xxxxxx676

19-01-2010 21:15

Hi. I was wondering how much u would sell 1 of your photos for.

+64xxxxxx922

19-01-2010 21:53

I am willing to swap for an ironing board.

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+64xxxxxx088

20-01-2010 00:09

I'm very interested in those passport photos..how much are we looking at? I only need 2also if that would work for you?

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+64xxxxxx193

20-01-2010 11:41

Need to discuss these passport photos . Drinking tonight?

+64xxxxxx922

20-01-2010 11:54

Absolutely drinking tonight. But who the hell are you?

+64xxxxxx193

20-01-2010 12:07

Haha just saw your add. Is it black and white or colour photo.

+64xxxxxx922

20-01-2010 12:13

It's in colour with a choice of either a blue or white background. Demand has been high. Get them while they're hot.

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+64xxxxxx595

20-01-2010 17:15

I need some photos.. Depends if ya good looking or ugly though. Don't want ten years of ugly...lol

+64xxxxxx922

20-01-2010 17:21

It's a passport photo. Generally if you look like the photo in your passport, you are way too ill to travel anyway.

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+64xxxxxx251

20-01-2010 17:55

Hey mate, u hav jus saved me $20. Im In need of passport photos. R they free?

+64xxxxxx922

20-01-2010 18:03

2 dollars each. Or 3 for 10 dollars.

+64xxxxxx251

20-01-2010 19:53

Cool. R u on crack? Unless ur my twin mate,I hate 2 say ur stuck w/those other 6 photos. Cheers!

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+64xxxxxx183

20-01-2010 19:57

Really need some passport photos, will u take 100bucks?

+64xxxxxx922

20-01-2010 20:15

95 and you have a deal.

+64xxxxxx183

20-01-2010 20:16

120, and wil u throw in some jandals?

+64xxxxxx922

20-01-2010 20:17

53 without jandals. They're for girls.

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+64xxxxxx061

21-01-2010 14:28

I don't get it... Who would want photos of you for their passport?

+64xxxxxx922

21-01-2010 14:49

I don't get it...why would you waste time and text credit to ask that question to someone you don't know?

+64xxxxxx061

21-01-2010 14:51

Free credit, curiosity :)

+64xxxxxx922

21-01-2010 14:56

Boredom at work. Stupid ad entries. Stupid replies from Queenstowners.

+64xxxxxx061

21-01-2010 14:58

At least your creativity isn't going to waste. Work in an office i assume?

+64xxxxxx922

21-01-2010 15:00

No. And I have my moments.

Destination: Ultimately Hell given the intention.

Summer, it's not been great so far. High winds, cloudy skies, torrential rain and snow on the peaks. It's very much like an English summer right now.

Finding myself with a day off, I needed to do something. A lay in was first on the list, followed by a healthy breakfast of bacon and eggy bread, and then a trip to the British Lolly Shop. And then armed with Jelly Tots, Kola Cubes, Chocolate Raisins and a basic knowledge of the reasonably local area, the young lady and I set off for the afternoon in the direction of Cromwell.

The reason for this mini road-trip, the destination we were set for, had been found while idly browsing google maps. It was a small town on the north end of Lake Dunstan. It was to be a day of epic proportions. My camera was fully charged, the excitement in the car was palpable.

However, the day was to be a large disappointment. We got there to find there was no town. It was on the map for Christs sake, why could we not find it? It seems the research should have stretched to more than just looking at a map. Zooming in further I would have seen there was no actual town there, no houses, no local shop, no civilization whatsoever. In fact, researching further would have shown me that it isn't in a town at all, it's a locality. There wasn't even a welcome sign.

My dreams were crushed. I was deflated in the car on the way back. No amount of Jelly Tot sugar could rescue me from this massive crash. We stopped at Warehouse on the way back, and I walked up and down the toy aisles, but this still didn't bring me up at all.

It's probably a good thing, I guess I am a little too old to be stood under the welcome sign making my best mong face.

Recent things I have seen that more than make up for this are:

• A giant scarecrow and accompanying motorcycle made from scrap metal on the way to and from the mythical Crippletown
• A guy on a bicycle getting towed by a car uphill by holding onto the passenger door, exactly like the ride Brand got from Troy in the Goonies
• Three guys, obviously on a road/camping trip, under a bus shelter in the rain with a cooking stove slicing onions on the pavement.

Next entry may be more mature. It may even be longer. Don't hold your breath, I is well lazy, innit.